I spent this summer and last summer hiding inside in shame. The heat has hit me in ways I’ve never know before. I used to live in the sun, couldn’t get enough! After 2 kids and a few years older, I am not able to tolerate heat any longer.  At least that is the story I’ve been telling myself to make up for the fact that I have 20 lbs on me that I’ve never had before, except for when I was pregnant.

This was me.. 10 years ago
This was me.. 10 years ago

Goodness that was a hard number to swallow. I’ve been 130 lbs my entire life, again, other than when pregnant. After Ava I had 10lbs to lose, I got back into the work force and the weight melted off. I was also a smoker too and that along side a heavily coffee’d diet meant that I didn’t hold on too much weight!

I had Zoe and the weight gain came quickly, I heard this a lot with moms who become pregnant with the second baby. I expected it. I didn’t gain that much weight, I just never expected that it wouldn’t leave as easily as it came. My body shaped changed this time around!  Or at least that’s what I told myself.

I’ve let myself go, I’m not saying that I am fat or overweight. I am saying, I let myself go! I started making excuses for not making my health a priority. I’ve found excuses to hide inside and not participate. I’ve sacrificed my summer fun with the girls because of shame. I cannot bounce on a trampoline with my girls because I let myself go and physically I’m out of shape!

Recently SplashDown Park had a media event for us media types and several of mom bloggers received the invite to enjoy one more splash before it closed forever. The invite came in, I stared at this email. In shame, I declined the invitation! I told myself that since we’d just gotten back from our 3 Week trip to SK just days before, that we could all use the down time.  Truth is, I didn’t want anyone including myself to see me in a shorts let alone a bathing suit!

This is me August 31st at 152lbs.

The next day I looked at the pictures, I saw the mom who just had a baby rocking her swim suit without a care in the world. I saw the mom who has admitted her own body issues looking FABULOUS and confident in her bathing suit. I saw these incredible women in their bathing suits having fun with their children and I cried. I denied my children fun because of my own shame. To those moms, I am so proud of you!

I’ve never been this girl before, I don’t really know how to do this whole body image thing! I’ve always been small and muscular. Nothing rubbed or jiggled! I went up 2 pant sizes and the first time I got on a doctor scale and they went to the 3rd bar.. I cried inside.  I’ve gone from 130 to 152..

I know that my girls will always look to me as their role model and I owe it not only to them but to myself as well to model the type of behaviour I want them to exhibit. I cannot tell them to love themselves if I’m not showing them what loving yourself looks like.  I’m saying good-bye to excuses… this is me right now and it’s also the last time you will ever see me look this way!

I am dedicating these next 30 days to fitness! To reclaiming my health and saying good-bye to my shame! #SelfLoveSeptember! has officially begun! I’m challenging you to give yourself 30 days of fitness and do something everyday to reclaim your happiness!  Will you join in to?

My shame will not rule me!

I recently joined a weekly running group. I started my goal a day early and we ran/walk 6K in 45 minutes! I will be doing this all month long. Join in?



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